This is more of a performance than a poem

I realise that some reader may not approve of some of ideas portrayed in tis song. I am sorry about the awful made-up words. I was very immature when I wrote this, but it's still funny in a weird kind of way. Indeed I laugh every time I read it.

 

LOVE WITH THE DECORATOR

 

WORDS : WILLIAM J.O’BRIEN, November 1997

MUSIC : AEROSMITH, 1989.

 

aaaaaaaa - Lead only.

aaaaaaa - Lead guitarist backing vocalist only.

aaaaaaa - Crazy dancing backing vocalist only.

aaaaaaa - Bass guitarist backing vocalist only.

AAAAAA - All three backing vocalists.

AAAAAA - All four.

aaaaaaaa - Stage directions

 

 

(THE WIFE is sitting at home looking at her bedroom walls. She picks up the yellow pages and has a flick through to find the "painters" section. She picks up her mobile and makes a call)

 

THE WIFE: Hello is that Mr. Stephens. I’d like you to come and paint my bedroom.

 

ER-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER ER-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER
ER-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER ER-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER
ER-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER ER-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER
ER-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER ER-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER

YEAH!

 

You may be a happily married man WOH!
Have been for a long time now. SO YOU THINK! (THE DECORATOR appears, while he’s examining the walls THEWIFE starts to feel horny)
She’s with you in the evenings, of course WOH!
But in the day your not around. WOH YEAH!.
She’s at home and she deCIDES
The bedroom needs a CHANGE

She hires some guy to PAINT THE WALLS;

What do you think happens next?
( THE WIFE taps THE DECORATOR on the shoulder. THE DECORATOR turns round and, to his surprise, she kisses him)

 

LOVE WITH THE DECORATOR,
ONE DAY YOU’RE UP THE NEXT YOU’RE DOWN.
LOVE WITH THE DECORATOR,
AND OTHER TRADESMEN OF THE TOWN.

 

We all wonder just how good WOH!
We are at love-makin’ WOH YEAH!
Is your girl enjoyin’ it WOH!
Or is she just fakin’ WOH YEAH!
Bad news if when you COME (THE WIFE hands a piece of paper to THE LEAD)
She makes very little SOUND
Yet when she’s in the bathroom BY HERSELF
She cries out like a hound. ( THE LEAD turns the piece of paper around to reveal the words "LAST SHAG 4/10")

 

LOVE WITH A MASTURBATOR
ONE DAY YOU’E UP THE NEXT YOU’RE DOWN
LOVE WITHA MASTURBATOR
NEED TO GET SOME PRACTICE IN SOMEHOW

Oh! but how? Oh! but how?
There are no hookers in this town. (THE PROSTITUTE enters)
LOVE WITH A WHORE-TYPE DATER
I think I see one coming now! ( pointing at THE PROSTIUTE)

(Instrumental section 1, 36 seconds) ( THE LEAD GUITARIST BACKING VOCALIST and THE BASS GUITARIST BACKING VOCALIST start playing.
THE CRAZY-DANCING BACKING VOCALISTstarts doing his crazy dances . Meanwhile THE LEAD introduces himself to THE PROSITUTE.
She puts up 4 fingers, to indicate $400. THE LEAD responds byputting up 3 but THE PROSTITUTE puts up 4 again. THE LEAD eventually agrees.)

 

LOVE WITH A

( THE LEAD and THE PROSTITUTE exeunt).

(Instrumental section 2, 19 seconds)

 

WHORE-TYPE DATER-EE-ER-EE-ER-EE-ER-EE-ER

 

(Instrumental section 3, 27 seconds) ( THE 3 BACKING VOCALISTS start to go mental).

( At the end of the 27 seconds THE LEAD the bottom enters with

another piece of paper. It says, 2/10 and has a signature at the bottom).

 

GOING DOWN! ( standing still for the moment and pointing at THE LEAD).

 

(TAPE, 25 seconds) ( 3 BACKING VOCALISTS go mental again. THE TRANSVESTITE enters.
THE LEAD thinks that he is a woman but THE BACKING VOCALISTS
are not fooled. THE LEAD runs up to him.THE TRANSVESTITE
raises one finger.THE LEAD has run out of cash and so with draws
a credit card from his wallet.THE TRANSVESTITE nods).

 

LOVE WITH A WHORE-TYPE DATER,
HUNDRED DOLLARS NOT BAD PRICE.
LOVE WITH WHORE-TYPE DATER,
SOME ARE UGLY, BUT SHE’S NICE. ( THE 3 BACKING VOCALISTS giggle ).

 

You know what they say about oral SEX!
It’s the best way to do it, right? WOH YEAH! (THE LEAD starts to undo his trousers).
But make sure you know who you’re doin’it with. WOH!
And make sure the timin’s right. WOH YEAH!
Remeber she has teeth, WOH! (THE TRANSVESTITE crouches).
They might be quite sharp, WOH YEAH!
If you were to get your tackle bitten off WOH! ( THE LEAD backs off ).
‘Twould surely break ya heart! (THE LEAD does his trousers up again).

LOVE WITH AN ALLIGATOR,
YOUR PRIVATE PARTS, HOLD ONTO THEM.
LOVE WITH AN ALLIGATOR,
YA KNOW THEY WON’T GROW BACK AGAIN.

 

 

 

Oh! now who? Oh now who? ( THE WIFE, THE DECORATOR, THE PROSTITUTE and THE TRANSVESTITE all become BACKING VOCALISTS).
Oh to whom now can I do it to?
LOVE WITH AN AVIATOR,
IN THE COCKPIT IN THE AIR.

In the air, in the air,
No, no, I can’t do it way up there.

LOVE WITH A NAVIGATOR,
ON A BOAT IN BAD WEATHER.

Now be fair! Now be fair!
Does it have to be as rough as that?

LOVE WITH AN EDUCATOR,
FROM UNI, OR FROM PRIMARY SCHOOL.

Now that’s better, Now that’s better,
Because teachers they know all the rules.

LOVE WITH A YOUNG ICE SKATER,
ON THE ICE RINK WHERE IT’S COOL.

Now we’re there, Now we’re there,
Most are underage but do I care?

LOVE WITH A SMALL VIBRATOR,
I have one it’s really brill,

Oh yeah! Oh yeah!
Use it at home when no-one’s there?

LOVE WITH A PERCOLATOR,
A coffee machine’s better still.

That is weird, that is weird
That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard.

LOVE WITH A SWEET POTATO,
EVER TRIED A VEGETABLE?

Well not me, well not me
But many of my friends, they have.

LOVE WITH A RIPE TOMATO,
The marrow is the best of all.

That’s too large, that’s too large,
Now that it don’t fit anywhere!

( THE LEAD calls over THE TRANSVESTITE, he obliges).

Whore-type dater, whore-type dater
Honey, one, one, one, one, one more time!

LOVE WITH TRANSVESTATOR, (THE LEAD looks down the front of THE TRANSVESTITE’S dress).
DON’T FEEL DO GOOD DO YOU NOW-OO-WA-OO-WA-OO-WA-OO-WA-OO-WOW.

 

(THE LEAD falls backwards .A couple of THE BACKING VOCALISTS catch him).

 

Duuuuuuuuuuuude looks like a lady!

 

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