_{A SONG ABOUT FOOTBALL}

_{(to the tune of the song 'When You're Lying Awake' from the Gilbert and Sullivan operetta 'Iolanthe')}

_{For a version with the music, click here (3.3 Mb).}

_{A sport, more popular worldwise than all the rest.
Using a white and black, bouncy leather sphere,
white lines, 4 posts, 2 crossbars and 2 nets
22 men in shirts that have numbers on the rear.}

 

_{Football is a game of flair, skill and pain
And anguish, frustration and pleasure.
It’s competitive and the teams that win
Win cups, medals and other treasure.
I do like football, I support Arsenal,
WHAT? You say they are boring?
If you went to Highb’ry on a match-day you’ll see
No one in the audience snoring!
They’ve Bergkamp and Adams and Parlour and Manninger
Overmars (boy he is quick!).
They’ve Henry and Kanu and Keown and Manu
Petit (a.k.a. ‘Porno Flick’).
And since ’85 indeed most of life
I’ve supported that North London team,
Though it's fair to say the wages they're paid
Are higher than most of us dream
From the crowd there’s much shouting and singing and routing
And chanting and screaming and cheering
There’s moaning and hissing and booing and whistling
And sobbing and crying and jeering.}

 

_{There’s plenty of madness and lots of bad language
(Often directed at Sheringham!).*
And the referee often takes plenty,
When he makes a poor decision.
At the London derbies there’s often some carnage
And fights between rival spectators.
It is true to say that often fair play's
Neglected by some of the players.
I’ve seen Dixon knocked over by David Ginola
With a vicious blow from his elbow
Seen a fight between Vieira and Keane,
The ref, he only showed yellow.
Eric Cantona, he once went too far
When he Kung Fu kicked a spectator.
And keeper Schumacher struck a French attacker
Whom then needed a respirator.
And once Georgie Graham bought some dodgy players
So that he could claim a bung.
And for this reason he was charged with treason
And out of the club he was flung!}

 

_{The best contest of all on the game of football
Is the FIFA world cup.
And England won it in 1966
Their football was impressive stuff.
In 1990 England reached the semi-
Final which went to penalty kicks.
But Pearce and Waddle did not put the ball
Between the two vertical sticks.
The number of Dutch in this world isn’t much
But many of them have skill.
A header from Gullit would sting like a bullet
And watching old Cruyff was a thrill.
And once Roger Milla dispossessed Higita,
And after he scored he did laugh.
And once David Beckham, Man U’s number 7,
Scored from within his own half.
And that man Nayim made all Arsenal fans scream
As Seaman strayed out of position.
And I once took pity on Manchester City
When they entered the third division.}

 

_{Oh! The game is dramatic
Not anti-climatic
It can be nerve-racking
When one team’s attacking
It sometimes is so gritty
And often not pretty
Those players who dive
Then on the ground writhe
Can’t stay on their feet
They just want to cheat
Carlos Valderrama
Created some drama
He turned then he slipped
He had not been tripped
But then he played dead for ten minutes.}

_{But it is fair to say
That is just a game.
And the majority
play it respectably
And a fantastic game it will always be!}

_{William J. O’Brien, October 1999.}

* Alternative line: And endless howls of derision.

I originally wrote the song with that line, but changed it after watching a match in which Edward Sherigham was jeered at.

FOR THE TEN FUNNIEST INCIDENTS IN FOOTBALL, CLICK HERE .

FOR THE TOP TEN FOOTBALLING HEROES TO ZEROES, CLICK HERE .

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